So, we're declaring war.
Because pizza wants to be free.
We are a small group of artistic visionaries, who have been providing free digital pizzas -- something good for your nerve endingsTM -- for months now, free of charge. Try it! Send a message with a subject of "help" to pizza@[obsolete] for full details on our always free services, including an artificial organism simulator, a digital xeroxing service, and a custom pizza rendering service. We won't even sell your address to anybody! This is the way the Internet is supposed to work, and we like it. You make something cool, you give it away, and in return, you get access to more information than anyone will ever be able to look at. But now that the analog media have turned our good thing into a buzzword (Information Superhighway! Yuck! It's not like that at all!) corporate interests have swarmed on us like, well, insert a nasty, smelly, noisy, itchy image here, and are, to use their metaphors, slapping up billboards and leaving trash all over the place. It is most unsightly. We have decided to do something about it.
This is a declaration of war on pizzahut.com. Y'all can new jack swing on our nuts, salami, and sausage. Get off the net, you corporate sleazebag trashmeister greasebunnies. You're not welcome, and your pizza tastes awful.
Not willing? Think again. We've got a digitized copy of your logo and we're not afraid to abuse it. We've got a new trademark for you, too. It's short and sweet:
Not real Madison Ave (due to its accuracy), but good enough for government work.
We want your namespace. You will surrender. Resistance is puerile.
Gentle readers, if you are still not convinced, please read the following hazardous waste sticker we fished out of a dumpster behind the Santa Cruz Pizza Hut. (pizzahut.com is headquartered in Santa Cruz, California). We believe that these are attached to containers of "dead pizzas" -- pizzas that are ordered, but not eaten. We do not know why Pizza Hut's pizza requires special treatment, but we are worried.
HAZARDOUS WASTE STATE AND FEDERAL LAW PROHIBIT IMPROPER DISPOSAL IF FOUND, CONTACT THE NEAREST POLICE OR PUBLIC SAFETY AUTHORITY, THE CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH SERVICES, THE CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF TOXIC SUBSTANCES CONTROL, OR THE U.S. ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY. GENERATOR INFORMATION: NAME: The Internet Toxic Pizza Development Agency: An NSA Company ADDRESS: CLASSIFIED COMPOSITION: Crust, sauce, cheeses, toppings (various) PHYSICAL STATE OF WASTE: Semi-solid to solid EPA/DOT SHIPPING NAME: "RQ Hazardous Waste Solid" HAZARD CLASS: ORM-E UN/NA NO.: NA9176 EPA WASTE CODE/CHARACTERISTIC: EPTOXIC, D011 (CA #421) HAZARDOUS PROPERTIES: CARDIOVASCULAR SHUTDOWN AGENT ACCUMULATION START DATE: REPORTABLE QUANTITY (RQ) IN POUNDS: 0.250 EMERGENCY RESPONSE GUIDE #: 89/DO NOT EAT MANIFEST DOCUMENT #: WHEN HANDLING OR DURING ROUTINE OR EMERGENCY EXPOSURE TO THE HAZARDOUS WASTE IN THIS CONTAINER, USE THE SAFETY EQUIPMENT CHECKED BELOW: [ ] HARD HAT [ ] SAFETY GLASSES [ ] SAFETY GOGGLES [ ] FULL FACE SHIELD [x] PROTECTIVE GLOVES [x] SPLASH APRON [ ] PROTECTIVE BOOTS [ ] RESPIRATORY PROTECTION [ ] AIR-PURIFYING RESPIRATOR; TYPE: [ ] FULLY ENCAPSULATED SUIT [ ] ATMOSPHERE SUPPLYING RESPIRATOR; TYPE: IN THE EVENT OF A SPILL OF THIS HAZARDOUS WASTE, CONTACT THE U.S. COAST GUARD NATIONAL RESPONSE CENTER AT 800-424-8802 FOR INFORMATION AND ASSISTANCE AND THE 911 EMERGENCY PHONE, OR THE LOCAL OPERATOR IN THE COMMUNITY WHERE THE SPILL TOOK PLACE. HANDLE WITH CAREPlease, do not use the Internet services provided by Pizza Hut. If you still want to eat their pizza, well, that's ok, but please help keep the Internet beautiful by discouraging loud, hideous, noisy commercial offerings.
If you feel like making a more active statement, contact beej at the address below. Free franchises will be available shortly.
Forcepoint, Internet Pizza Kollektiv
Making Adbusters look like MITI
ANALOG PIES ARE HISTORY
THE FUTURE BELONGS TO DIGITAL