[The date: September 27, 1994. War is declared on the evil capitalist empire of Pizza Hut and it's brand-new online presence.]

FREE PIZZA

The internet is a strange and wonderful place, almost completely unlike how it is portrayed in the obsolete analog media. Just about any kind of information you can imagine is available openly, without charge, immediately. Scientists and students have taken a cold war experiment (a distributed computer network designed to withstand a nuclear war) and turned it into the first truly multinational community on earth. Sure, it's got a few bad neighbors, and a couple of frustrated control freaks, but by and large, being on the internet is sort of like being in a 1994 version of the Cleaver household.

So, we're declaring war.

Why?

Because pizza wants to be free.

We are a small group of artistic visionaries, who have been providing free digital pizzas -- something good for your nerve endingsTM -- for months now, free of charge. Try it! Send a message with a subject of "help" to pizza@[obsolete] for full details on our always free services, including an artificial organism simulator, a digital xeroxing service, and a custom pizza rendering service. We won't even sell your address to anybody! This is the way the Internet is supposed to work, and we like it. You make something cool, you give it away, and in return, you get access to more information than anyone will ever be able to look at. But now that the analog media have turned our good thing into a buzzword (Information Superhighway! Yuck! It's not like that at all!) corporate interests have swarmed on us like, well, insert a nasty, smelly, noisy, itchy image here, and are, to use their metaphors, slapping up billboards and leaving trash all over the place. It is most unsightly. We have decided to do something about it.

This is a declaration of war on pizzahut.com. Y'all can new jack swing on our nuts, salami, and sausage. Get off the net, you corporate sleazebag trashmeister greasebunnies. You're not welcome, and your pizza tastes awful.

Not willing? Think again. We've got a digitized copy of your logo and we're not afraid to abuse it. We've got a new trademark for you, too. It's short and sweet:

"Eat me, fatso."

Not real Madison Ave (due to its accuracy), but good enough for government work.

We want your namespace. You will surrender. Resistance is puerile.

Gentle readers, if you are still not convinced, please read the following hazardous waste sticker we fished out of a dumpster behind the Santa Cruz Pizza Hut. (pizzahut.com is headquartered in Santa Cruz, California). We believe that these are attached to containers of "dead pizzas" -- pizzas that are ordered, but not eaten. We do not know why Pizza Hut's pizza requires special treatment, but we are worried.

                            HAZARDOUS WASTE

            STATE AND FEDERAL LAW PROHIBIT IMPROPER DISPOSAL

IF FOUND, CONTACT THE NEAREST POLICE OR PUBLIC SAFETY AUTHORITY, THE
CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH SERVICES, THE CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF
TOXIC SUBSTANCES CONTROL, OR THE U.S. ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY.

GENERATOR INFORMATION:

NAME: The Internet Toxic Pizza Development Agency: An NSA Company
ADDRESS:  CLASSIFIED
COMPOSITION: Crust, sauce, cheeses, toppings (various)
PHYSICAL STATE OF WASTE: Semi-solid to solid
EPA/DOT SHIPPING NAME: "RQ Hazardous Waste Solid"
HAZARD CLASS: ORM-E
UN/NA NO.: NA9176
EPA WASTE CODE/CHARACTERISTIC: EPTOXIC, D011 (CA #421)
HAZARDOUS PROPERTIES:  CARDIOVASCULAR SHUTDOWN AGENT
ACCUMULATION START DATE:
REPORTABLE QUANTITY (RQ) IN POUNDS: 0.250
EMERGENCY RESPONSE GUIDE #: 89/DO NOT EAT
MANIFEST DOCUMENT #: 

WHEN HANDLING OR DURING ROUTINE OR EMERGENCY EXPOSURE TO THE HAZARDOUS
WASTE IN THIS CONTAINER, USE THE SAFETY EQUIPMENT CHECKED BELOW:

[ ] HARD HAT
[ ] SAFETY GLASSES
[ ] SAFETY GOGGLES
[ ] FULL FACE SHIELD
[x] PROTECTIVE GLOVES
[x] SPLASH APRON
[ ] PROTECTIVE BOOTS
[ ] RESPIRATORY PROTECTION
[ ] AIR-PURIFYING RESPIRATOR; TYPE:
[ ] FULLY ENCAPSULATED SUIT
[ ] ATMOSPHERE SUPPLYING RESPIRATOR; TYPE:

IN THE EVENT OF A SPILL OF THIS HAZARDOUS WASTE, CONTACT THE U.S. COAST
GUARD NATIONAL RESPONSE CENTER AT 800-424-8802 FOR INFORMATION AND
ASSISTANCE AND THE 911 EMERGENCY PHONE, OR THE LOCAL OPERATOR IN THE
COMMUNITY WHERE THE SPILL TOOK PLACE.

                            HANDLE WITH CARE

Please, do not use the Internet services provided by Pizza Hut. If you still want to eat their pizza, well, that's ok, but please help keep the Internet beautiful by discouraging loud, hideous, noisy commercial offerings.

If you feel like making a more active statement, contact beej at the address below. Free franchises will be available shortly.

@Man
Forcepoint, Internet Pizza Kollektiv
Making Adbusters look like MITI

ANALOG PIES ARE HISTORY
THE FUTURE BELONGS TO DIGITAL

Contacts:: atman@ecst.csuchico.edu (tactician and public relations); beej@ecst.csuchico.edu (technical questions); sd@ecst.csuchico.edu (topping requests and redcode simulation)